And......

Yesterday I bought (as opposed to being given) my first mobile phone. I totted up how much I had spent on credit recently, worked out that mostly I just use it to text people, and worked out how much I had spent on orange PAYG at 12p a text. And then I worked out how much I would have saved in the past three months if I had been using the Tesco value tariff @ 5p a text.

And then I decided that even though I could probably get my existing phone unlocked for free, the amount of money I would unneccessarily spend in the meantime at an extra 7p a text was prohibitive by comparison to buying the cheapest phone I could find, which was £19.97. That'd pay for itself back within 267 text messages (which at my current rate of texting, would be about a month or three weeks or so).

It doesn't play Mp3s. It doesn't have a camera, or WAP , or any collobs like that. It's a phone, nothing more. But there you go - another frivilous purchase. (Mind you, I will keep the old one active for ages yet....)

Erm. Not much else to say today, except work was, erm... eventful.

There’s a lot of hype about Snakes On a Plane, but at its simple core, Snakes On a Plane does exactly what it says on the tin. There’s Snakes, on a Plane. Simple. Could you get anymore simple? You can’t. its such a simply reductive process, its unbelievable. Just like this film. And fantastically ludicrous. Literally, ludicrously, over the top.

Its noit as good as the hype, but damn is it good fun. Enjoy the fright indeed – and loaded with endlessly quotable one liners. Its like a movie the type of which you haven’t seen in twenty years – wisecracking, action driven, over the top. Make no mistake, this ain’t no serious highfalutin’ movie. Its got every stock cliché in the book - from the sexist pilot, the caustic English business traveller, the air hostess on her last flight, the overslick rap megastar – and on top of that its got gratitious nudity, bad special effects, even worse dialogue and best of all – Snakes vs. tasers. . Honestly, how many other movies do you know features Snake Vision? Eh?

In its rather limited genre – Planes in trouble – Snakes excels. Like a bastard breeding of Anaconda and Red Eye meets the big mac daddy of 90s action movies set on a plane – the mighty and mightily rubbish Turbulence – Snakes is a nothing more than a fun dumb ride of stupidity and sensationalism. Like all the Airplane and Airport movies rolled into one, theres only so much you can fit in before it might collapses under its own gravitas. So sadly, no lines of dialogue such as ‘Snakes, Why does it have to be snakes?’ or ‘Who had fish for dinner?’, but we do get ‘Is there anybody onboard who can fly a plane?’. Brilliant. All it needs is Lloyd Bridges saying ‘Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffiing glue’. However, it often straddles its genres uncomfortably – unable to decide if it’s a full on Comedy such as Airplane or full on dumb macho action movie such as Cobra or Over The Top, the best way this film could possibly have been improved is by sticking Stallone in it and playing it 100% for laughs. But aside from that genre-schizophrenia, Snakes feels like it could have been so much more, if only they had finally gone the whole hog into comedy land.

As entertainment, Snakes is almost damn near perfect ; the logical extension of a single idea to an illogical conclusion,its nothing more than a Z-grade action movie played done perfectly in a style long forgotten and much missed. If only all movies were this much fun….. because that’s what Snakes on a plane is. Dumb, Fun and full of Venom!

Not much has happened since last night. Not much at all. I bought a new technology gadget, because my previous CD player was playing up. Really badly – it would play for about 2 seconds, then pause for 5 seconds whilst it found the disc again and then carried on playing for another 2 seconds, then stopped, and so forth. I just gave up and bought a replacement, but I had had that CD player for two and a half years, so it had come to the end of the natural lifespan for a cheap £15 cd player Which is just the way it goes sometimes, but I had to replace that because it had become unusable. So now I can listen to music again! Hurrah. I did want one that played Mp3s also, but the cheapest one that played CDs/MP3s and had a tape player was over three times the price of one without MP3s, so why bother? Eggazagerly! But it is a joy again to listen to tunes without it going…; In the style of Queensryche ; “To the EYES (silence – silence silence ) OF A STRA (Silence silence silence) NGERRR!” (squealy guita – No, silence – silence – silence) etc. all the time.

And then I rang, go through to people, chatted, decided against a certain contract phone, decided against buying a cheap ipod, think instead I’d rather have a 300gb external hard disc to stick all my files on instead or something, because that’s a lot more useful than having spindles of CDRs and DVDs full of data scattered across the place and inserting them in and out all the time and not knowing whats on any of them. Penny for Penny these might be cheaper, but they are a damn sight less accessible, much more bulky, and prone to disc rot.So there you go.

Anyway heres some links…

i) Fat people shouldn’t breed, according to the health service. Anyone with a Bmi over 36 will not be entitled to receive fertility treatment; This probably has a lot to do with the fact that the fatter you are, the more difficult it is to get pregnant, and as such, its simply an issue of cost effenciency. As one doctor says “If it's a proven fact that it's very difficult to get pregnant when you're overweight, then the logical cure for that kind of infertility is to encourage the patient to lose weight." linky

ii) The BPI finally puts its neck out and says that10% of all revenue is lost via pirated CDs. linky

iii)Noam Chomsky interviewed by the readers of the independent. linky

iv) And of course, all ‘violent’ porn is now to be banned – readers of the Daily Mail must be pleased. linky . Looks like maybe anti-porn guy was ahead of his time.

v) BBC announces that God does not exist in the brain ; there is no single medical cause for belief in God ; Except possibly the a medical condition that makes you think some magical man in the sky is telling you what to do with your life, also referred to as ‘schizophrenia’. linky

vi) Bob Dylan says he hates plastic, digital music ; so why is he making adverts for ipods? Will the real Bob Dylan stand up please? (Shouts Judas! from back of the hall, Manchester ’66 style) linky

vii) Oh, the vanity of footballers ; It could save peoples lives, make them walk again – but instead we use it to add a few more vanity years onto their sporting careers after they have willing ruined their own knees via relentless, high pressure physical activity. Maybe they should come back when they can’t walk at all or line them up with some cripples, and then we’ll see whose more deserving shall we? Linky

viii) Digital FX updates to vintage Star Trek: The original Series now with new digital CGI special effects. linky . I hope they do a better job than Red Dwarf, but at least the originals will still be out there.

ix)GRICERS? BASHERS? Stoats? Go visit the world of trainspotting. Now those are wierd...

x) Couple of Bargains, all in store. The links go to the specifications where applicable.
i) Phantasm 5 disc ‘Sphere’ DVD box set, Music Zone, 12.97 specs
ii) Hellraiser 4 disc, 3 movie box set loaded with commentaries and extras, Music Zone 9.97 specs
iii) Exorcist 5 movie DVD box set, Music Zone, 9.97. (Doesn’t include the new 2001 re-cut of the original, but has everything else: Dominion ;’ Exorcist The Beginning ; the Exorcist ; Exorcist II: The Not Very Good and Exorcist III: Legion (aka the original script by Blatty was inifinitely superior to the released butchered version). (No linkee)

Anyway, laters.

Another horrible day. Another horrible bank holiday. Grandmas got new dentures, then its back to work A G A I N . It rained a lot. Still is, in occasional outbursts. And I just had to text my wife to tell her one of her old friends died in Hospital over the weekend. (It was Jesse Pintado of Napalm Death, and the hospital was in Holland. There are dark rumours of alcohol misuse, though no other news is mentioned anywhere.)

It was a dull weekend. I watched some movies – Das Boot (Directors cut), Rock Star (the commentary track), House Of Sand and Fog (brilliant), and listened to lots of tunes, burned some cds, made some phone calls, talked some rubbish, did some food shopping, had a nice long bath. That sort of thing. Nothing else to report. Move along, people, move along. And in the the meantime, why not try and ban ebay (like they tried to ban myspace) because someone out there with a computer did a bad bad thing?

Which is rather like banning air and banning people from breathing, because its only people who are still alive that commit crimes.You could stick it with a tagline something like “The crime is life, the punishment isssss death!”. Sound familiar?

Has george bush really read 60 Books in the past year? . Is it really related to the huge amounts of vacation time he has taken? And what the hell really is going on with the new Star Wars: 6 film DVD box set with yet more changes and extra stuff, linky ?

Oh, and as for the quiz about two weeks ago when the question was , "'name one album you like no one would expect you to like', I would like to nominate my answer as , rather surprisingly, 'its all about the stragglers' by Artful dodger.

Will be back blogging on tuesday - there will be a temporary hiatus for Bank Holiday. In fact, I won't be blogging or checking email much at all over the next week or so.

Watching my little girl grow up is an amazing experience. I only saw her a couple of weeks ago, and yesterday I can see just how much she has changed in those two weeks. Watching her stand up on her own in front of my eyes, like I never have before – watching her clap with joy and glee at doing so – these are all wonderful things. And then when she claps , amazed at the fact she has stood up of her own…..she loses her balance and falls back on her bum. Its just so cute its untrue. And before you know it, she’s crawled out of the room to find that new place known as the stairs shes only just learned to climb and she’s halfway up them, ready to explore the magical place called ‘upstairs’. However, she might be stuck because she hasn’t mastered going down the stairs yet, and would otherwise be stuck at the top before crying in worry If I hadn’t carried her down.

I know, I sound like such a soppy dad, don’t I? But to see those things she is doing she has never done before, well, who wouldn’t be amazed and proud of that? And watching her dance with her feet and hands too. Apparently she likes the Rasmus too ; must be all the woah woah bits in ‘In the shadows’ - to be honest, I know they’re at the less credible end of the metal scale, buts it’s a good sign. Next thing you know I’ll be burning compilations entitled ‘My First Slayer CD’, and it’ll obviously have to start with ‘War Ensemble’ , ‘Angel Of Death’ and ‘South of Heaven’. Woooargh, Rock! That CD Might be a bit loud, though.

The other parts of the day have been…well, not quite so good. Work was awkward, and there were some awkward text messages. After seeing my daughter I went back to the old place, the place me and my wife had a couple of years ago. All empty, stripped out, nothing remaining. I felt quite betrayed at that, to think of all that happiness thrown away (and unhappiness too) ; but then I remembered a phone call from the housing authorities four months ago, asking me If I was still on the books for the old place, and if so they needed to take my name off. I did wonder why they would need to take my name off, until I realised that they couldn’t close down the rent account in a joint name if I was still on it. So that got sorted, but at that point, the arrears were over £700. Which makes me wonder, did she clear that £700? I doubt it. She says she did, but I think its much more likely that she got chucked out with the council seeking a possession order given that she was so far behind in the rent. But like anything, if you don’t pay the rent for three months, don’t expect to hang on to it. After all, you can’t shut down a rent account or leave any property when you have rent arrears, and thus she wouldn’t have been able to leave the property voluntarily. This is exactly the trap I got caught in when it came to going into hostels last year – I still had a place to live, which I couldn’t llive in or leave because of this. And thus, with £700 in arrears, wouldn’t they have chucked her out? Exactly. And I’ve no sympathy with her, as she was working, spending the money on Vodka and tattoos; and if you don’t pay the rent, they will chuck you out. It’s a self made situation, the stupid woman. Mind you, as for all my stuff that remained in there, I won’t forgive or forget. She did say If I gave her an address she would send it to me. Myresponse – ‘You couldn’t send all those stolen missing records so don’t bullsh*t me, Mrs. Reed”. Too true. And I won’t forgive or forget when I’ve been wronged like that by her. Still, Now that shes someone elses problem, I for one am glad. She says she’s in a house now, but the council wouldn’t give her one, so I do wonder how she finds it living back at her dads again eh? Hmm? Either way, the feeling of betrayal and disappointment still niggles. Though I do feel a tremendous sense of relief at her no longer being in my life, thank god.

Ok, heres some linkys and stuff.

i)You've heard of 9/11, now its 8/11. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. And I for one welcome to our new Astronomer overlords.Where are those black helicopters when you need them? And thinking of that, wasn;t the first black helicopter ever Airwolf, mmmm? Especially given that Airwold had an evil twin called K A R R - oh, sorry, Redwolf – which came complete with a red swishing laser. All a bit cylon to me. And me, I can’t even believe that they made a series of airwolf without the helicopter anymore, just recycling all the flying footage from previous seasons and outtakes. *makes suspiscious whooshing noises* (anyway, check out Airwolf concept designs here here )

By the way, people from the black helicopters brigade might be advised to look here here . Lots of ‘em . Millions of ‘em. Everywhere. Mostly in CIA bases in Iraq though, I gather.

ii) From cooks to crooks – its ingenious, this is. And its amazing it hasn’t happened before. linky A simple redirection and a credit card fraud. Brilliant, ingenious, and amazingly simple. So incredibly simple, I’m amazed it hasn’t been done before.

iii)For fans of crowded house, it’s a case of Four Seasons in one day? or just two here, with a freak weather conditions in Montreal meaning going from bright summer sunlight to wintery snow in a clearly delineated line. Is it the fault of global warming? Hmmm? Who knows? All I know is that it sure is damn weird.


iv) britney gets her kit off again . A World yawns.

iv) And just in case police aren;t overworked already, ever single bored teenager in the Uk can now contact via IM whenever they like , courtesy of the new feature in MSN messanger to just contact the police for harrassing messages. I promise you, no one will ever, EVER, possibly misue this service at all. Promise.

v)Anyone seen my Tin Het?

vi)And for those of you who lived through the cold war, is this really what Tolkien meant?

For all you lovers of John Carpenter movies out there....



Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, says Bush. fact

*world looks on in amazement. *

Warning lots of pics.

Meanwhile, back in the real world *….. We were all quite underwhelmed by the onset of nuclear armaggeddon. linky Rather like the Quakers and the Seventh Day Adventists, I can presume only one thing: that the Armageddon happened and…erm…. No One noticed. The missiles flew, the mushroom clouds grew into the sky and that was that. Perhaps they got the date wrong, like Homer Simpson, ja? Perhaps Not? But after all, no one ever went out of business predicting the end of the world, as Jaz Coleman once said.



But You do go out of business by jumping the sofa, Mr Cruise. Yes, not so much jumping the shark as the sofa, Mr. Cruise waves bye bye to his overzealous, overinflated egotistical business demands and underperforming overexpensive movies. Must be a real blow to him – perhaps he has suffered a temporary aberration and been reinfected by engrams and rogue thetans. bad call, mr cruise

<

And, yesterday I went to see a Scanner Darkly. Utterly, utterly, brilliant, but confusing as hell to most people. Think Reqiuem for a Dream, meets Naked Lunch, meets Fight Club. Excellent stuff – and multilayered as hell. I can imagine getting so much more out of this on repeated viewings, Its definitely one I’ll buy on DVD at some point.




But I am slightly excited about the new Def Leppard Reissue – of hysteria with lots of bonus B-side tracks. It would save me purchasing all the original cd singles again at stupidly high prices…. LINKY

And this is redcar – a small sleepy seaside town just a few miles from where I went to Uni, now transformed into Dunkirk for the new Keira Knightly movie. I think I’ll go just for the WWII aspect of it myself…



(* OK, lyric stolen from weknowwhereyoulive’s ‘Don’t Be Too Honest’ , honest).

I will blog in much more depth about A Scanner darkly another day. Not enough time now. Nor enough time to admonish my vegetarian zealot friend!

Talk us through what you're wearing?
Black trousers, black shirt, black boots. Ich bin Ein Leitungoffizier


What are you listening to at the moment?
The hubbub of a quiet office

Describe your worst haircut?
1990-2000. I should have grown out of that long haired teenage rebellion phase long before. Mind you, watching Whitesnake makes me wish I had long hair again. Only good long hair.

MySpace - lifechanging or timewasting?
A total W.A.S.T.E. of time. I don’t want to be your friend Tom, you aren’t my friend, go away, and stop playing me rubbish music. I’ve got my own music on already. And Don’t call me a friend when you aren’t. Its like scribbling in a five year olds school book and showing it to your mates. That and the fact its owned by Fox doesn’t help.

Favourite film and why?
Too many to mention.

Will Daniel Craig make a good Bond?
Hell, yeah, I think so. He does cold blooded killer really well.(Actually, I think they should give the next Bond movie to Tony Scott – anyone who has seen Man on Fire will know why. I thought to myself, I wish the last Bond movie had been as good as think – lots of emotional depth, and hyperviolence).

What's your hangover cure?
Don’t drink and walk, people. But Prevention is better than cure.

Would you ever consider dating A footballer?
Why would a footballer ever consider dating me? So, No. empthatically not. Never. Its like dating a soldier – who’d want to choose a partner in life whose been trained to take life, whose job is to kill?

Whats on your rider?
Broadband Wifi, A fridge, 12x redbull (500ml), 12x orange Isotonic sport drinks (500ml), 3xBacon & Cheese Slices, a telephone, And a bowl of M&Ms with the brown ones taken out.

Is there a song lyric you had wish you had written?
Far too many.

How far do you think you'd get on Pop Idol?
Why would I wanna be on it? I’d rather be on big brother. Why? I could be Red Graham

Who, in all pop history, is the most over-rated?
Madonna.

Who's the sexiest man/woman in pop?
Man : erm…..Michael hutchence. He had the slink I’ve never seen before or since.
Woman : Kelly Osborne. You know she’d be good, but damn would you feel soiled and unclean afterwards. Or failing that, Louise Wener,

Name a genuinely sad song?
The Host of Seraphim by Dead Can Dance

What do you hate being asked?
Where My giro? Can You organise a counter payment?

What's your favourite Keane song?
Everythings Changing. Mind you, I can’t really stand Keane at all. Bland, boring, rubbish.

Is hanging too good for Pete Doherty?
Nope. I’d rather he realised he’s such a waster.

Have you ever lied during the course of this interview?
Have I? Look and see….

What makes you happy?
The Smell Of mY man. Sorry, erm….stuff. yeah, stuff. My daughter.

What would be on your Coat Of Arms?
A bloody big gun. What use is a coat of arms without some armaments? Imagine walking around with that coat of weaponry, but choosing rubbish weaponry instead. “Look! Hide! That man is covered in attack hamsters !” * (courtesy of here . My favourite is the chuck norris, fyi.)

What was the last item you bought off the internet?
Pink Floyds Pulse DVD

What's your favourite smell?
The Smell Of My Man. Sorry…I love the smell of toast in a morning.

What was the first song you ever wrote?
“The Last Mile” It was rubbish. I remember writing lyrics about the end of apocalypse Now about some military unit fighting their way back to their own lines in the ‘Nam or something. I was 15 and it was incredibly Dire.

Under pain of death would you eat human flesh?
I eat cannibals.

What will you be wearing this autumn?
Clothes.

What are you reading at the moment?
This me me. “Rogue Nation” by Clyde Pretowitz.

What do you make of the Artic Monkeys?
Dinner. This is because Monkeys are creatures of a temperate climate, and as such, are not suitable to the Artic. So Normally, they are dead, and thus, best thing you can do is make Dinner of them. Or Failing that, I bet you look good on the dancefloor is very flirtatious when sung at you by women in nightclubs who are holding your hand.

Is this a good time for Mark Reed?
I don’t know. I’m not him. But for me? It’s OK.


From Tafka PP

1.One book that changed your life?
There's so many. Palahunik, and "the Adding Machine" by Burroughs ; a book I've only seen one copy of in the past fifteen years.


2. One book you have read more than once?
“Dune” By Frank Herbert.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
I would take the “Dune” Hexology by Herbert. I simply haven’t read all of them together for about 15 years, so One day I will. Actually, that Might be my next task, to read the Entire Hexology. Its only about 3400 pages.

4. One book that made you laugh?
Some books do, really really do, when you least expect them to. Some books have me in tears and fits of laughter.

5. One book that made you cry?
The memoirs of Claire short, when she described watching her husband die.

6. One book you wish had been written?
“The grand unified theory of everything” by me. “My life Story” by Robocop.

7. One book you wish had never been written?
The Book of Moron. Sorry, Mormon.

8. One book you are currently reading?
“Rogue Nation” By Clyde Petowitz. I’m normally good at reading multiple books at the same time.

9. One book you've been meaning to read?
“Lord of the Rings”. Now shut up and don’t bug me about it. Simply because you say it’s a great book doesn’t mean I’m going to slavishly go along like all the other literary sheep baaaing along about it, ok? That’s like the same bores still going on about a band that’s on the cover of Mojo 30 years after they split, about how great “Revolver” is, about why Dylan sold out when he went electric. Get some perspective ok? No amount of buying the action figurines or dressing up monks robes will makes Gandalf the Wizard any less some whimsical non-existent fantasy wizard – what a load of collobs. Now Fly, you fools, Fly!

10. Now tag 5 people:
Swiss Toni, the Lord, the Lithaborn, mark, And Stef. Ta!


Here’s the news:-

’puff Daddy’ is gonna be a daddy again. Its his third child. In other news, he recently had a 10 million dollar necklace stolen from his Ibiza house. Apprently, he will feel ‘lost’ without it. Damn, I do feel pity for the brother. $10 million dollars and the best thing he can think of doing with it is buying a lump of gold to wear around his neck? Tell that to all his brothers in low-rent America living in dumpsters and eating garbage from trash cans . The Bloody fool. I have no sympathy with him

And in a case of Life imitating art its time for “Snakes….in a Cineplex!” ; when two pranksters released snakes into a screening of Snakes On a Plane……

Me, I’m waiting for the Sequel ; “Snakes On a Train” Doubtful, but What An idea…



Anyway, go check out uncyclopaedia

As some of you may know, My job is on fixed term contract - only a few months. There is the possibility of renewal or extended.Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

Well I got the news. Come October 1st.....I'm still here. I got the renewal of the contract.

*wipes brow*

Yesterdays furiosity has dissipated. It was caused by a faulty electric meter, about £1 on it, and the prospect of being back in the dark ages because of the incompentency of my electric supplier. After some 25 minutes on hold and then another 15 an hour later, And being told I had to take the day off work (impossible), I got an evening appointment arranged, it got sorted and my fury has decreased to my default setting of ‘normal’. So I’m much happier for that being organised, because its got sorted. Which was nice.

My fury wasn’t helped by feeling very, very, disappointed with someone. Old enough to know better, and certainly grown up enough, not responsible enough not to drink away someone elses money they’re looking after and then be upset when they’ve got to sell off the gig ticket to pay them back. It’s a problem when you can’t – or choose not to – control yourself, and it disappoints me. Someone gives you money to look after, and you go down the pub with it. Absolutely irresponsible, totally irresponsible. Anyway, nothing I can do about it.





Stef reviews the Shuffleathon CD.And now its my turn to review my own CD.

01.Whipping Boy – Twinkle
Taking a lift from High Fidelity , this is one of the great opening track one, side ones of all time. For ages I couldn’t decide how to start this CD, and then this inspiration hit me. A slow violin begins…the end is a cacophony of atmospheric guitars and aching loss. Love this track. Love the band. I just wish they had got the attention they deserve ; Every good home deserves Heartworm (their 1995 album).

02.The Killers – All These Things That I Have Done
PING!
Is it pink floyd doing Echoes?
PING!
No, it’s the Killers. Not the peter hook remix, because I don’t have a slavish devotion to bands long after I’ve ceased enjoying their new material out like a misguided puppy. Actually, the peter Hook remix takes everything that was interesting about the original…and removes it, makes it much more generic. For me, The original is far better. Atmospheric and soaring, it’s a perfect choice after Whipping Boy, a slow atmospheric builder and then…

03.Pet Shop Boys – Home & Dry
Some of the tracks here were chosen not just for the track but also how they intermix with the other tracks in here, how they flow together, and how much words mean to me. I also decided to group together into twos, rather than have lots of very samey tracks together. So, welcome to the gay eighties eurodisco portion of the disc. All two songs of it. None of the songs from the eighties. A bit of a romantic song really, but with a more uptodate sound that’s still very PSBs than the number ones from two decades ago.

04.Marc Almond – Brilliant Creatures
Very gay, in the best most flamboyant, bouncing disco sense. Criminally ignored, its not everyones cup of tea. In fact, I don’t know anyone but me who does like it. Stef hates it, I know that.

05.Rush – Prime Mover
Ok, so its very 80’s rush – sleek, shiny, sparkly 80s. Ok, So its very of its time, but that time was 1987, and mullets were de riguer. It’s the one track that whilst its a great track, and the one that turned me onto the band, there’s far far better songs in their catalog, but theres a special place for this one for me. I can’t deny that Its production has dated badly indeed, But I still love this track to death. Great breakdown in the middle too, and a great bassline too - one of the first I ever learned to play, and I picked up so many tricks for bass from Geddy Lee, and this track in particular.

06.Yvonne Elliman – I Can’t Explain
A wonderful slant on the Who classic, given a racous female vocalist 70’s makeover. As found on the compilation album ‘A Break From the Norm’, compiled by Fatboy Slim of all the tracks he’s sampled from; He uses it on ‘Going Out of My Head’.

07.Ace Frehley – New York Groove
And continuing the grouped together 70s disco glam and glitter pop vibe, comes one of the guys out of Kiss. With the full on disco slink of ‘new York Groove’, hitting the heights of disco. Its brilliant. And often forgotten, an underrated gem. No.54 in the charts with a bullet, its like Chic meets Superfreak meets Donna Summer. the Best white disco record ever made by guys with long hair. FACT.

08.ELO – Mr Blue Sky
Aha, More seventies fun.#1 in 1977, its great. Someone on a message board once said they wanted it played at their funeral as its The happiest song about death ever imaginable, (which it is) which is what made me want to investigate it more. That and the trailer to ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. Too. Cheesy, cheery and superb fun. And when it got played at the wedding disco on Saturday night, Me and Brian From Brum ended up playing air drums and singing double vocal harmonies to it. Grrrrreat. Naff, but I love it. (It also reminds me of Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up”, but that’s because of the midtempo change about a minute from the end)

09.Earthtone 9- Tat Twam Asi
Welcome to the Angry Section. Yes, that is the proper title, for ‘Tat Twam Asi’ is an old hindu phrase meaning ‘thou that is’, or something. Earthtone9 (who I think are great, or were, because they split five years ago) were a little known UK hardcore metal outfit, but they drew upon a lot of other influences rather than just loud guitars. Tribal drumming, melancholy, like the mid point between Sepultura and the Pixies. The entire album is epic, savage, loud and utterly leftfield – like Janes Addiction meets Metallica’s “St Anger” and Faith No More.Sharp and Savage, light and shade, Soft and spiky, its got a lot of build.

10.Volume – Capitalism fresh Daily

I thought I would stick this in as it is a very personal track to me. Mainly because I wrote it ; the music at any rate. It’s the first song from the first gig by Volume, straight from the sound desk. I wrote the music, Mark wrote the words, and we didn’t have a guitarist. .So I stuck my bass through a load of distortion and compressor pedals, Mark wrote the words, and we sat down and rehearsed a few times with Giles on Drums and my mate Marcus on a second, undistorted, funky bass. That was Volume, two bloggers and a couple of other friends. I listen to this and there's lot of bum notes and missed cues, but It’s a nice surprise to see what someone thinks without the bias of knowing who I am. I think we sounded like Joy Division meets Rage against the Machine, but that’s up to you; as for seeing it in the pit of a sweaty dive, I'd love to.But hell, look at who else we covered: Connection by Elastica. Wonderwall by Oasis. And we even had a song called 'Poo Fighters

11.Clash – Straight to Hell
From one bassled to track to another ; A far cry from the screaming punk rock of 1977 comes a piece of melancholy dub from 1983’s “Combat Rock”. I love the Clash, and this track is one of the best by far.

12.Pink Floyd – Coming back To Life
Another Sappy, uplifting track.But Again, one of those that means a lot to me. Bless.

+
13.(Secret Bonus Track) - Wish You Were Here
Ok, Wish you were here. Can’t go wrong with that. Listen closely though….its not the Wish You Were here you know. Its recorded in rehearsal for Live8 with both Roger and Dave in the line up, off the bonus features for the Live8 DVD. Even though you can buy it in the shops, it’s a good treat for the CD for a big Floyd fan.

In the meantime, why not check out the incredible flying car in google earth, here
, Hitlers secret swastika Hide out here , or my particular favourite, ‘English village menaced by World War II bomber in historical timewarp phantom bombing mission’. here And that’s not even before menacing the farmer with tourettes syndrome creating corncircles here . (NSFW, and then some)

Very furious. Long story.

Saturday was a great day. A great wedding. Hell, I Even turned up on time. Though It was close, as Giles spent ten minutes trying to decide what to write in the card, I slept through the alarm and snoozed for another fifteen minutes, and then traffic was not on our side. Being stuck behind a bus with ten minutes to go lead to me suddenly becoming quite frantic, but we did arrive on time. It wasn’t a church, it was the (new) registry office, which never having been inside before I must say that it was quite erm… new. Like only new buildings can be.

The ceremony itself was rather formal. Weddings normally are, I find. And then we proceeded outward to the garden at the back and lots of photos were taken. Enough to fill up a memory card. Friends and people from many years ago bumped into, all of us slightly more portly and old than we used to be. Most of us having married ourselves. Not many of us left being single and eligible any more, and those of us who aren’t don’t appear to be marrying in a hurry. Hell, I’m married still and I’m not in a hurry to do it again. But that’s just me. It was also just me to get a little emotional at seeing a friend getting married to someone wonderful for each other. I couldn’t imagine a more suited couple.

After the legal ceremony, the next step involved a large orange coach. And getting about 40 people on the coach. Making sure chairs and tables are on the coach. Doing a headcount. Doing directions to the wedding dinner in the middle of the day. Lots and lots of stuff to do, including getting mistaken for a member of staff at the pub due to being ‘immaculately dressed’. Unloading people off the coach at the other end, making sure it all happened in the right order, and then loading them back on again after the dinner, making sure no one was missing. And then directions again. To somewhere on the outskirts of Oxfordshire. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rollright_Stones

It was here that the handfasting http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handfasting – the second ceremony (this one based on druidic practice with a little bit of Wiccan tradition thrown in) – was to take place, under the sky and clouds and sun and rain. Lots of rain though. Lots of it. I spent most of the journey frantically scanning the powerpoint presentation instructions on what to do to make sure it was done correctly. Which it was, as far as could be done. It rained a lot. Forecast was for heavy showers, and we got an occasional but heavy sprinkling of rain, which towards the end turns into a deluge. And then its all back on the coach, and all off home back to Birmingham.

About an hour after our return to Birmingham, and a taxi ride later, Me and Giles arrive at the reception. The Band is still soundchecking, and as we’re some twenty minutes early, we’re just about the first people in. And come the end of the night, the last people out.George has set up the disco…the people are filing in, and the wedding cake (of a VW beetle camper van, with the correct engine outlet – as Rob tells me), and a VW sports car (with correct number plate). The drinks flow, and the people get bigger. Both in number and stature. Then the band plays, and speeches. From the best man, who inserts the jokes I mentioned (all one of them), and the band plays again. And then…under the influence and after some goading from Brian from Brum (in the midst of a discussion about ultimate 80s action movies and the ultimate 80s camp sci-fi movie), comes the revelation of my willingness to play air guitar in public. SO I do. And then every wedding needs a Graham, I’m told By Chris G. God knows why, I was windmilling like Townshend, so much so my fingers went numb as the blood couldn’t reach the tips of them.

Come two oclock In the morning and after four pints and monsoon season, Giles wants to walk back to mine – an hour and a half walk. Drunk and in the rain.(I suspect it was a reaction on Giles part to being surrounded by older, more portly people , and having a reflexive gut reaction of thinking ‘ I wanna be thin!’) I suggest getting a taxi instead. I think my idea was much more sensible. And then to bed.

Just had a text message:-

"Becks just stood up on her own and took three steps"

Suppose I best reorganise my entire flat then. An entire new world of toddlerdom awaits.

In the manner of an itinery…….Last night was dull, aside from going to Iceland and buying food, going home and burning cds to post to a friend, and then listening to New Model Army. A Lot of New Model Army. And then telephone calls to friends, and going to bed,

In the manner of what happened when I went to bed, I had a dream about the wedding on Saturday. Not my wedding, Bobs wedding. There will be an outdoor occasion in the afternoon, but forecast is for rain. Lots of it. Oodles of it. And Thunder and Lightning, very very frightening indeed. (Galileo, Gailileo, Figaro, let Me go… etc.). This promises to be a bit of a wet occasion, and I really think I might need to change my work trousers afterwards, judging by the huge amounts of mud expected for the green green grass of the location. Mind you, in the dream I had, I did everything wrong I was supposed to, so I suspect its just the usual anxiety performance stuff. On the other hand, I am informed that If I do get anything wrong, I might be the only person who notices. Which is very reassuring.

It appears that Israel is already trying to derail the peacekeeping force by any means necessary as evidenced HERE . Apparently some of the nations whose troops will be involved with the peacekeeping force don’t recognise Israel as a nation, so accordingly Israel say they can’t get involved. Are there any other ways in which Israel can be obstructive? After all, if it refuses the troops, it breaks the UN Resolution, and all hell breaks loose. Again.

And whilst Stef received my CD for the shuffleathon a couple of days ago (courtesy of a lost in post envelope), I was awaiting the review when stef posted something else out; HERE . Quite simple, we the citizens are no longer allowed to use ignorance of the law an axcuse, even through 3000 new laws have been introduced in the past decade – and now we are denied access to even knowing what the laws are, with a new database paid for by public taxpayers money being restricted in use. How can we know whether we are breaking the law if we can’t even find out what the laws are? Kafka would be proud, I tell you.

And never mind that, Aliens use firefox, according to the register. I would have thought they would have got more advanced than the Soviet MiG-31 as stolen from Bilyarsk, but hey Think Russian, People....

I really don’t have much else to say today.

PIC OF THE DAY

Ok, Ok, so I didn’t quite think through that whole ten commandments thing in too much detail, but still, it seemed to make some sense. To me, at any rate, And then later I started thinking of all the commandements I should have put in, but the most important of which would have been ‘Be Excellent to Each Other’, as Bill and Ted would have said.

Other news? The shuffleathon CD got posted (for the second time, after the first was lost in the post) yesterday, so It should be dropping at stefs doorstep shortly. The secret bonus track isn’t part of the shuffleathon, but something I thought Stef might like. Its annoying though that I posted it some two weeks ago and it never bleedin’ arrived, so I had to burn another copy from scratch. Aaargh. But moi, tardy? Never. I’m erm….indecisive. I did spend about two weeks trying to work out which track to take off t slim it down to 12. (The ones that did eventually go was ‘Under My Wheels’ by the prodigy and ‘Naked and Ashamed’ by Dylan Rhymes)

Anyway, aside from the Judge Dredd esque call for instant justice, jusry and executioner recently, the redtop tabloid are whipping themselves up into a rather predictable frenzy. The Headline of the sun today? 'The Great Escape' And why? Because of their law and order frenzy as the tabloids call to bang ‘em up and throw away the key, is it any surprise that the nations jails are full ot bursting point and beyond? There’s only 706 spaces left inside in the nick nowadays, and thus, to help relieve the pressure, those within a few days of ending their sentences are finding themselves released up to 10 days (2 weeks) early. These people have served their years inside, their debts repaid so to speak, but they must be punished, musn’t they? Up to last minute, of course. And thus, to be tough on crime and the causes of crime, we must build more prisons, keep more people locked up, at the cost of some £8000 a year, not contributing to society, but being a massive drain on the taxpayer. All it takes is another one prisoner to cause a scandal, and its all over the papers like a dying royal, with the usual sheep bleating.

The main problem with this assumption is quite simple – Locking up people and keeping them locked up is a deterrent, not a solution. Mass imprisionment does not work in the long run. After all, 66% of offenders re-offend and are convicted and back inside within two years. Does that work? Not necessarily. Now, bar in mind that for every 20% increase in prison population there’s only a 1% drop in crimes committed, and one has to ask about the effectiveness of locking ‘em and throwing away the key. I’m not convinced, but what I am convinced by is that simply repeating patterns of offending does not reduce crime. Rehabilitation, getting people into stable housing and stable incomes and getting them used to working in the real world not the world of the pen – that would surely work more than just banging em up 23 hours a day with nothing to do but time.Recently I was talking to a con with the same attitude – After ten years inside he wasn’t prepared for life outside in the community with no lifeskills, not knowing how to pay a bill or go through the normal processes most of us do 23 hours a day, because in prison they don’t have to do anything like that. They’re just not used to it, not ready to adjust, and what do we do? Lock ‘em up and throw away the key. Because of course that works. That’s why most of ‘em end up back inside as career criminals within two years.

On another note, I’m really quite, QUITE, annoyed. I have no sandwiches today. This is because I was let down by my plans last night. Not the first time Its happened recently, but quite annoying. Giles was supposed to come over last night , and we were due to see Miami Vice. He Didn’t. He rescheduled for 9.30Pm, to do a late showing, and I got a couple of hours nap in, setting my alarm and waking me up. I knew I had no sandwiches for tomorrow, so a quick trip to the supermarket afterwards was in order. But Alas, he didn’t turn up. He’d been up all night on the internet, and then went to bed for a nap before coming over. Which he slept through. Bah. I’m annoyed because when you know you have a commitment to make, sometimes you have to make allowances for that. Like getting enough sleep before going to work or going to meet people. Which I do. I’m not one to cancel because I let someone else down by not getting enough sleep, and I’m annoyed because now I’m going to have to buy lunch (boo hoo) which I shouldn’t have had to do if someone else hadn’t let me down. If I had known, I would have got some sandwich meat when the bloody supermarket was open! (Yes, this is a public telling off, But I can’t begin to explain quite how peeved I am by it. Its not the first time, its about the tenth. Grrr).

Anyway, I’ve been reading Bukowski. Bukowski was a drunk, a good writer, but he envisaged what one review describes as a “detailed depiction of a certain taboo male fantasy: the uninhibited bachelor, slobby, anti-social, and utterly free”. Not like me then, beause I don’t spend most of my time in a drunken stupor.

Other links?

i)The news on the new DVD box sets of the Superman I-IV movies is outlined here linky
ii) I had the ‘what if 911 never happened’ link yesterday, but mark posted it before because my PC went down and
iii)The letters on the Register show a surprisingly amount of insight into quite exactly how useless the baggage rules for air transport in the UK are. How effective can they be, exactly, if all you need is a colour printer and some sticky labels to get around it? Linky Oh, and when considering ‘binary liquids’ to create explosives, of course the best thing to d is to pour them into the bin at the airport, where they wouldn’t mix of course, nor would they create an explosive in doing so either. Great thinking, batman. And for getting around it with bluetooth technology and mobile phones, well, it just goes to show how ineffective these measures will be. The only way to avoid any of this, of course is simple. Ban planes! Easy- problem solved!

Grrr. I reserve the right to be mildly annoyed today, and not just because blogger has stopped accepting manually inserted hypertext and decided to put a slash at the end of every img src command, meaning I cannot insert images. Dagnaggit. Stooopid macsheens. All of them.

The Ten Commandments of Graham

01.Never Gamble what you can’t afford to lose.

As learned from Qui Gon Jinn. Because whatever you gamble my friend, you will eventually lose. The house always wins. So If you are feeling greedy and you gamble your rent money away, I've no sympathy with you. Because you know what the risks are. you know what misfortune will become you if you lose. And you can never undo that losing. SO never gamble what you can't afford to lose. Don't play games with peoples emotions, with the rent money, with your home, like that. Because some things are more important than holding your nerve at a poker table or winning an argument. If you win the argument but lose the war, you will still have lost. And If you can;t afford to lose it, what the hell are you doing gambling with it? MMM?

02.Run the Numbers.

Every thing you do takes energy. If the net gain is less than the worth of the input you put in, then its simply not worth it. Run the numbers, work out if what you are doing is profitable. If for example, its a lot of effort for little return, then why bother? Why not do something less boring instead? Similarly, if you have reached the point of diminishing returns, then again, cut your losses and run, leave it be. Anythign that is unproductive, that is not worth the effort you put into it, leave it behind. Everything takes energy. Everything takes time. You can never replace that time or energy.

03.Choose Your Battles

You'll meet a lot of people you don't like. A LOT of them. They'll draw you into fruitless arguments, where nothing is solved, and the only thing you get out of it is hassle and bullcrap. It will add nothing to your life. Similarly, some battles aren't worth fighting. People may goad. They may say blatant errors, to aggravate and wind you up. trolling for attention. Fight only the battles worth fighting, not the others that aren't worth it.Choose your battles wisely. Some will only destroy you, some will distract you, some will being you no gain but pain. Choose your battles wisely, use your energy well, and it will not be time wasted and thrown away.

04.Don’t be afraid to suffer a small defeat to win a bigger victory.

It is no defeat, as Worf says, to lose a battle to save an empire. Some said that when the chips were down two years ago, i rolled over and died. On the contrary, i didn't., Chucked out of my own home, I lucke dout with a room at a friends, but couldn't take the vast majority of what was mine. It had to stay with the ex. i could have fought tooth and nail for it, but I didn't why? I knew that the safety of what remained was tenous. All it would have taken was one argument and the whole lot could have been chucked out, thrown away, burned or sold never to be seen again. it was a small battle, but I was playign the long game here (god, what a cliche). i chose my battle, whichw as not to deliberately antagonise, or aggravate, lest I lose everything. I knew my position was practically powerless. But I also knew that all those small defeats - the ones where she thought she had won - were not defeats. I kept my eye on the prize, on the big picture. The little battles meant nothing, for I could have lost everything. On the contrary, the bigger victory was that I lost very little, for I got 95% of my stuff back, and those little battles? if I had fought them, if I had won them, I could have lost everything. But I didn't. I got most of it back. And thats the biggest vicotry I could have had. Those little snipes meant nothing. those little things were nothing. the big picture mattered.

05.All your heroes are only human - they will only let you down.

Everyone you look up to? They're only human. They'll make mistakes. Be it a rock star or a writer, or your father, they'll have the same insecurities as everyone. The same drivers. The same fear of being left alone again as always. Just remember for everyone you look up to, there's just a human being inside there, they're only human. Nothing more. Nothign less. Just like you. Just enjoy their work, and let go of the man. heroes only let you down, because they aren't heroes, just human.

06. Give Trust without prejudice, but If someone betrays that trust, drop them like a ton of hammers.

Trust is an underrated Virtue. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe its because I’m a woolly headed liberal, maybe its because I would like to believe the best of people. So If someone shows you no reason to distrust, you have no reason to distrust the, and thus, treat them with dignity and respect and fairness. And its not wrong to expect that in return.But shoudl they abuse that trust, then their true character will be shown; as manipulative, as users, as deceitful. You don’t need people like that. Drop them like a ton of bricks, cut them out of your life forever. You trusted them, and they abused that trust. They don't deserve your trust again.

07. Any God who is short of cash or who wants you to break his own rules isn’t a god worth following.

thou shalt not kill, god says. And if god is so full of love, why are they so full of hatred? For the homosexuals and the people whose god is different, whose skin colours are darker than yours, who live in a land who you covet so much you are willing to kill over and over again for that bloodied piece of rock, bought with the souls of innocent and the guilty. But who are the guilty? Those you accuse, or those who kill?Any god - or men of god - who implores men to break the very rules they are claiming to uphold is a hypocrite, a liar, one unworthy of your following. Any god who breaks his own rules, is not a god, but a figurehead being used by selfish men to serve their own ends and means disguised by the virtue of good. Tell me, what does God need to your worldy goods, or your dollars and cents, whilst you give them away to the preacher on the old time gospel hour, stealing money from the old and the sick, whilst you refuse to pay the bills and say 'God will provide' with the baliffs at your door? Thats not god. thats man hiding behidn the words of God. Cast them out, and their greed, onto the fallow ground. God is not a commodity to be sold. God is what you believe in, not a network of lies and deceit spun by rich men to keep them richer and keep people fighting.

08. Don’t be afraid to be wrong. And don’t be scared of being right.

As mark often says, the only way to eliminate human error is to take humans out of the equation completely, replacing them with an army of superhuman space robots. Not likely. You're only human, and we all make mistakes. Some of us make bigger mistakes than others. So If oyu've made a mistake, then ted, just admit it. its takes a bigger man to admit he's wrong than one to stick his head in the sand and pretend he's always right. If you're wrong, admit it. And Don;t be afraid of standing by what you believe either.

09.Pride isn’t a virtue, its’ a curse.

Pride? That virtue of self esteem versus reality? pride will get yo into a lot of trouble. Pride will say 'I'll never let that happen to me'. Pride will mean you don;t take the reality of the situation into account, but will stand around making aname for yourself and setting yourself up for a fall. Only the humble man, the man who knows what its like to have nothing, will suceed. I tell you, when you've been refused entry to a homeless hostel and got nowhere else to go, then you learn some humility real fking quick. Believe me. There's no shame in admitting your mistakes, and not getting above your station. You are what you are, nothing more, nothing less, and no overinflated self-image will help you when the chips are down. There's no point in eating at the ritz and sleepingh in the gutter. pride? its a curse, not a blessing.


10. Keep your integrity. You can sell your time, but never sell your soul.

hello mr Beckham? Anyone can get an advert for a million quid selling soft drinks. But you dont need that million quid. You are already rich beyond your wildest dreams and imagination. You'll never need to work again, so why do you do it? You don;t need it. But you do it just the same.Your integrity sold down the river for a paycheck, one you don;t need. You'll never go hungry, never worry about the rent ever again. The main problem you have is choosing which Learjet to use to travel to work to this morning. Your greed blinded you. greed can blind everyone. You can gamble that £32,000 on double your money and lose everything , or you can keep it and be £32,000 richer than when you walked into that TV gameshow. Your integrity? You can choose to sell it, because its one of the few things worth selling. But I don't intend on selling mine. I sell my time, but I'll never work 80 hours a week without being paid for it again. i don't intend on ever saying somethign I don't believe in just for a paycheque. Keep it real, the rappers say, whilst spunking their money on gold plated uzis. Youve just sold yourself out like Amos and Andy. Keep that integrity. keep that bit for yourself. Sell your time, not your soul. Because you'll never be able to buy it back. And its the one thing that'll always be yours, no matter what they do.

More blogging tomorrow.

1. What is your full name now? Graham B. Reed

2. What colour pants are you wearing? Grey, I think. I’m not pulling them down to look.

3. What are you listening to right now? The hubble bubble of the office

4. Where were you last night? At Home.

5. Last thing you ate? Hmmmm. Cheese Baps with cheese and Ham slices

6. Do you wish on stars? nah,

7. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be ? Erm, grey. Like Norman Normal

8. How is the weather right now? Dunno, I’m indoors.

9. Last person you spoke to on the phone ? Hello Giles.

10. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Never did me any wrong.

11. How old are you today? 33

12. Favourite drink? At the moment - Chocolate Milk. Tomorrow could be different.

13. Hair colour? Brown, what little of it there is.

14. Favourite food? Pizza and Chicken. Not together, though.

15. What was the last movie you watched? Biggie And Tupac.

16. Favourite day of the year? Days off work.

17. What was your favourite toy as a child?? An AT-AT.

18. Summer or Winter? Spring

19. Hugs or kisses?? Snuggling,

20. Chocolate or Vanilla?? Chocolate.

21. Do you want your friends to email you back? Go on, your are welcome!

22. Who is most likely to respond? Mark.

23. Who is least likely to respond? Erm….Not sure.

24. Living arrangements? Alone with a Flat Eric. And Deefer.

25. When was the last time you cried? Recently.

26. Favourite TV show? Anything with spaceships.

27. Happy in life?? Sort of.

28. What are you afraid of? Spiders. Death.

29. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Oh, I dunno.

30. Favourite car? Pah. Aston Martin DB6.

31. Favourite Flower? Don’t do flowers.

32. Number of keys on your key ring? About 6.

33. How many years at your current job? 0.3

34. Favourite day of the week? Friday

35 How many provinces, cities have you lived in? Three. Birmingham, Nuneaton, Middlesbrough,.

36. Do you make friends easily? Not really. Hard to trust people.

37. How many people will you be sending this to? Whoever reads it.

Apparently, "Police are considering asking ministers for more powers to impose "instant justice" for anti-social activities. "

As Mark Rowley, the assistant chief constable for Surrey says, "It is …..time to debate whether constables should be given substantial additional, discretionary, summary powers to meet these challenges... such powers would effectively bring existing criminal justice system powers to the street."

Dispensing with the system of law and courts, the extrajudicial powers call for could resemble a possible uniformed officers, who you could call ‘Judges’ if you like, combine the powers of police, judiciary and government. These Judges are empowered to arrest, sentence and even execute criminals – or Perps - on the spot, perhaps with a variety of methods from his Lawgiver, like judge, jury and executioner. Respect the badge, he earned it with his blood, obey the law, the sentence may be death because they are the law…
Doesn't sound like anything I've ever heard does it?



Welcome to 20 years in an isocube, perp.

At pains of being single and moaning, somehow I managed to get two girls phone numbers the past two times I've been out. Alas, if it wasn't for someone else's jealousy, it might have been more. Or maybe not. nothing I can do about it now, though. Even to quietly wonder what if, and know that I'm not that repulsive to women still.

Is it just me that goes around looking at the mirror going ' You're the Man! You're the Man! I'm the Man! i've still got it! hey!' whilst thinking how great I am simply because I haven't been maced yet? No? Thank God for that. For a second there, I was thinking I was. Or maybe just a little man in a big mans body.


I am Gareth Cheeseman, and I claim my free single serving travel tavern room. I am a tiger, raaaw!

He’s sat in front of me in the pub. He’s as wide as he is tall and squat, round. He is about 5ft 4in, and weighs 17st 10lbs, shaven headed, and has big, big, hands. Hands that you don’t shake, they wrap around you and envelope you like Faye Waye in the fist of Kong. A man who speaks less with words than with force and physicality.

He is without doubt, a big, imposing man. He is sat opposite me, engaging me in conversation. Well, he’s talking at me at any rate. At a friends birthday, being part of someones large social circle of friends, all interlapping like a Venn diagram, and he plays rugby. At one point in the evening, his girlfriend asks me out hypothetically, to which my response is ‘No. Your bloke would bash me’. And then she tries to set me up with someone else on the same table, who turns out to have a nasty habit of starting altercations in drinking establishments. Anyway, somewhere between the two, the nature of my employment is raised, and then the BIG guy starts on.

‘What do ‘ou think of ‘em Asylum seekers, Graham?” he says, “Don’t you hate ‘em?”

Uh oh. I’m consciously aware of one of the ten unwritten commandements I keep: Choose Your Battles. No point in being needlessly confrontational. ‘Well, I’ve no problem with them. Every one I’ve ever dealt with has been polite and civil. The people I have problems with’ I say, ‘Are the people who are bloody rude and awkward without good reason’.

‘You disappoint me, Graham”, he says. “You really do. I HATE ‘EM” he says.

I can practically see the anger in the eyes of the 17 stone, beer drinking, shaven headed, rugby playing, man.

Before launching into a tirade about black people , who he refers to using a adjective ‘to fornicate’ and also using a racial epithet beginning with the letter W which scientologists use to describe non-believers. I begin to wonder quite how to explain to him gently that my daughter is – in fact - , as he says, half double-u O G. His big thick hands are animated and sweating. As if primed for some imaginary battle.

Choose Your Battles I think. Choose Your battles. There is no shame in not fighting a battle if you can save an empire, As that noted Philosopher* Worf pointed out once. And some battles aren’t worth fighting, no matter how right a cause it is. Run the numbers, and if the output/input ratio is skewed don’t bother. Don’t bother wasting your energy on someone like that. Who wouldn’t listen. Who would respond with a string of meaningless, ill informed, rhetoric, who assumes simply because you can hold down a conversation he’s found some kindred spirit who sees the world the same way. In terms of Black and white. Preferably without the black, in his case.

Later on in the night, two women – his girlfriend and his ex, start lashing out at each other in the pub. Fists fly and he just stands by, aggravating the situation. He is, he thinks, desirable. Why else would two women fight over him? After all this, he laughs. Not because its laughable, but because he can’t believe the glee that he alone is responsible for this confrontation, like the alpha male protector he is, fought over like a desirable prize. It feeds his macho little ego, to see these women fighting over the prize that he is. And he laughs as his ego is fed, and the blue lights flash, and the yellow jackets arrive outside. The bouncers with SIA licence remove people from the premises, who loiter around outside furious and angry. Laughing whilst people cry and scream and show their anger for the prize that is this man, seeking the approval in desire and being fought over like a prize. But what a prize he is.

And no one wins, in the long run. No one gains for this little battle. He wanted a battle, and he got one. A little man in a big body, with big hands and small thinking, all soundbites and Daily mail hatred.

And outside, the blue lights continue to flash, and The flourescent yellow jackets continue to mill around, waiting for the next little battle to flare up. After all, Its Saturday night, in the city centre.There's going to be some trouble. There always is.

9 Lasts…
1. Last place you were: On a Bus.
2. Last drug used: Alcohol.
3. Last beverage: Pepsi.
4. Last kiss: Was one I dreamt.
5. Last movie seen: Matthew Hopkins: Witchfinder General. Overrated but brutal 70s period drama / Horror tosh.
6. Last phone call: My Bro, I think.
7. Last CD played: ‘Always Delayed Never Outdone’ – the second burn of the shuffleathon cd after the first got lost in the post.
8. Last bubble bath: A long long time ago.
9. Last time you cried: Staring out of the kitchen window, looking over the street I live, thinking of how bad things could have been.

8 Have You Evers…1. Have you ever dated someone twice: Yes.
2. Have you ever been cheated on: Yes, but that’s probably revenge. As Jack sparrow said ‘that I did deserve’.
3. Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it? Yes. Too many frogs, not enough princesses.
4. Have you ever fallen in love: Yes. Three times.
5. Have you ever lost someone: Yes. And it hurt, like it always does.
6. Have you ever been depressed: .yes. Frequently, often and for most of the past decade.
7. Have you ever been out of the country: yes.
8. Have you ever been on TV: very very briefly. For about three frames in the background on the Chart Show.

7 Counties* You’ve Been To…(not counting the one you live in)
1. Devon
2. Lanarkshire
3. Warwickshire
4. Chesire
5. Derbyshire
6. Nottinghamshire
7. Cleveland. Its still a county, no matter what them Yorkshiremen say. Afterall, Yorkshire is bigger than Israel, you’d think the insane grab for land is catching! Cleveland Liberation Front anyone maybe?

* - It did originally say “states”, but we don’t have states, do we?

6 Things You’ve Done Today…
1. Erm, Woke Up
2. Made Sandwiches
3. Got dressed
4. Got Bus
5. Came to Work
6. been mistaken for a shop manager and have had to say ‘Sorry, I don’t work here’

5 Favorite Things…
1. mmm, Mint Choc Chip.
2. Loud Music
3. My Bed
4. My solitude
5. My daughter

4 Things You Want:
1. Just
2. the
3. four?
4. Hmmmm.

3 Favorite Colors…1. Black
2. Very Dark Black
3. None More Black

2 things you want to do before you die…1. Happiness and
2. Love

1 thing you regret…1. ‘ Someone somewhere soon will take care of you, I repent, I’m Sorry, everything is falling apart’

Whitesnake gets reviewed. And bloody great fun they were too

Tell us your favourite joke?
A man marries a mormon. The end.

How have you kept up that level of cynicism for so long?
Easily. With a healthy dose of realism.

If you could be any ice cream flavour, what ice cream flavour would you be?
Mint Choc Chip.

What's the point of life?
There's a point? Ok, get to the end without getting killed.

Have you ever really dressed as a pirate?
Wooooargh! Of course not, my hearties! What do you think I am, a pastafarian?

Why do puppies have wet noses?
Because they want to be cute.

Who should be crucified?
Bush and Blair and every goddamn hypocrite who sells weapons in one hand and condemns
violence with the other.

A/S/L?
33/M/UK

What music/artists/tv do you actually like?
Music? lots. Artists? gaudi and Giger. TV? not much.

Which is the most sexy, cats or goats?
Pussy. That whole satanic goat thing ain't much of a turn on for me.

Which is better? Books or websites?
Books. less technology required, works in a power cut, and portable.

What's it really like to be a transvestite?
Wierd.

Have you ever been wrong?
Yes, of course I have. I'd be an idiot and liar to pretend otherwise.

How old are you?
33.

If the internet hadn't been invented would you spend your time on busy high streets ranting at anyone who isn't quick enough to get away?
Only god squadders, by quoting bits of the bible at them. if god is so full of love, whya re you so full of hate?

At what moment did you feel most famous?
When i realised people talked about me when i wasn't around on the internet. It wasnt great, though.

What's the funniest thing you can do with an ipod?
Listen to Bill hicks or David Cross or Bill Bailey.

Have you thought about writing a book to rival Nietzsche's "why I am so wise"? What would you call it?
"Why I am so humble" by Bono.

Lutraphobia is a fear of otters. What do you think the worst affliction is?
A fear of air.

What's your drug of choice?
I don't do drugs. Kinda straight edge, me. No way Am I gonna fill my body with those toxins. Anyway, whose off to the pub for a pint?

Are you scared of anything?
Of course.

What do you tell people was the first album/single you bought? and what was the first one that you really bought?
Iron maidens "Evil That men do", and "koyaanisqatsi" by Philip Glass.

What is the biggest thing you've killed with your own hands?
A Spider, probably.

Which urban legend were you convinced for years really did happen to a friend-of-a-friend?
Oh, the masterbation / cup of tea thing. I was convinced for three minutes.

Who's the most famous person you've met? In retrospect, would it have been funnier to totally blank them?
Dave Mustaine, Megadeth. Miles Hunt, The Wonderstuff. The Spice Girls.
The first, yes. The second, no, because he had bought me a pint. The third I met in a professional capacity.

What's the crappiest present you've ever bought someone?
Oh, a video game called "waiter" for the Spectrum 48K. Happy Fathers day, Dad. That was crappy of me, it really was.

What's your party trick?
Oh, just playing air guitar in public. Don't tell anyone.

What's a great late night song?
Brian Enos Fullness Of Wind (Variation On 'The Canon In D Major' By Johann Pachel)

Name 5-10 wistful/bittersweet songs:
01.Atmosphere - Joy Division
02.Spinning Away - Brian Eno And John Cale
03.Twinkle - Whipping Boy
04.Kite - U2
05.Nobody Home - Pink Floyd

The 4 Best Songs Ever Written:
I Can't name just 4.

3 Current Favorite Songs:
01. Eyes Of A Stranger - Queensryche
02. Bad Boys - Whitesnake
03. Naked and Ashamed - Dylan Rhymes

Classic Early Evening Drinking Music:
Whitesnake's - 1987. It rocks you in the morning and roll you in the night!

3 All Time Faves That Never Get Old To You:
01."I Love the World" - New Model Army
02. "Southampton Dock / the Final Cut" - Pink Floyd
03. "Revolution Calling" - Queensryche

Song You Want To (or did) Play At Your Wedding:
"Seven" - James, " A Man is in love" - Waterboys, "Release me" - Stumpus Maximus and the the Good Ol' Boys , "You're the One for Me, Fatty" - Morrissey, "You Suffer" - Napalm Death. (The Last three did get played at my wedding, honest).

4 Records You Really Dug from 2005:
Killers- Hot Fuss (ok, 2004)
Depeche Mode - Playing The Angel
Thats it. I've already told you I don't like any new music.

Favorite Records From This Year So Far:
None. I don't like new music. In it, I hear everything that they've ripped off from the past. As Napoleon once said "Nothing original can be done anymore"

Good Angry Songs:
01.The entire of "Crank" album by The Almighty.
02."Mouth For War" by Pantera
03."Evil Crawling i" by Earthtone 9
04."Demanufacture" by Fear Factory

One of Your Favorite Lyrics:
" and hardness it sets in / you need some protection/ the thicker the skin / I want you to know / That you don't need me anymore /I want you to know / You don't need anyone / Who's to know where the wind will take you / Who'se to know what it is will break you / But I know that this is not goodbye"

5 Cover Songs Arguably Better Than the Original:
01. Spinning Away - Sugar Ray (of Brian Eno and John Cale)
02. Live And Let Die - Guns N Roses
03. Free Speech For the Dumb - Metallica
04. Whole lotta Love - Led Zeppelin
05. Games Without Frontiers - PWEI

Great Dance Song You Maybe Never Realized Was a Great Dance Song Back in the Day:
Bjork - Big Time Sensuality (Fluke Minimix)

Good Albums To Workout To:
None. I don't work out.

Good Album to Clean The House To:
"Floodland" - Sisters Of Mercy

Good Dining Music:
Philip Glass - "Mishima" Soundtrack.

Good Album To Have Sex To:
Delerium - "Semantic Spaces". (Soundtracked my first threesome, actually)

Good Album To Sleep To:
I can't sleep to music. I try to stay awake trying to find out what happens next. (except Orb Live 93 and Pink Floyds Pulse, both of whom I fell asleep too on the first time I tried listening to them. Pulse still bores me due to its horrifically misjudged running order)

5 Good Rock Songs That You Can Dance To:
01.The Clash - Rock The Casbah
02.Guns N Roses - Welcome to the Jungle (Wiggle those hips, baby!)
03.Faster Pussycat - Bathroom Wall
04.nope, I cant answer this because....
05.I play air guitar to every other song I know...

Song That Is Too Damn Sad:
"There is a Light That never goes Out" - The Smiths

Great Love Song:
"Coming Back To Life" - Pink Floyd

An Album Full of Tenderness:
"The Division Bell" - Pink Floyd

Song To An Ex That Isn't Meanspirited:
"Beautiful Girl" - INXS

Song To An Ex That Is Kinda Meanspirited:
"You're the One For Me, Fatty" - Morrissey

Song to Listen to While in The Country Looking at Stars:
"Apollo: Soundtrack" by Brian Eno

Song to lose your Mind to:
"Seven" - James

Song To Cry In Your Pillow to:
"The Host Of Serpahim" - Dead Can Dance

Songs That Make You Feel Amped and Inspired:
"Holier Than thou" - Metallica, "Holy Wars" - Megadeth

Great Semi-Obscure B-side:
"Modern Boys" - Suede

Song That Makes You Miss Your Mum:
Erm..I do miss her you know.

That's Baby Makin' Music (No, Really):
Oooh, seduction music? nah. perhaps a good 70s funk old skool compilation maybe.

Criminally Underrated Band That Didn't Get Attention and Then Broke Up:
Whipping Boy. Their 1995 album "Heartworm" is stunningly brilliant. I havent met a single person yet who heard it and didn't like it. And if they don't like it, they're just wrong.

Best Fuck You I Am a Teenager in Pain Song:
"Anti-social" - Anthrax. (n.b. never use lyrics from this in an argument with your mum. You will lose the argument. )

Great Current Pop Songs:
There aren't any.

Album No One Would Expect You To Love:
"The Final Cut". Its utterly Brilliant.

Album No One Would Expect You To Dislike:
"The Wall".

Album No One Would Expect You To Really Know:
Erm... there's lots. Would Philip Glass count?

Emo Album You Actually Like:
"Apollo: Atmospheres and Soundtracks". (oh, you said Emo? Emo / Eno/ Whatever. If you're talking Emo, try "A Place in the Sun" by Lit. Closest thign I ever get to Emo)

Good, But Overrated Cause Of Indie Revisionism:
Joy Division. Syd Barrett. Das velvet Untergrunt. Any other of a plethora of boring 90s bands.

5 Desert Island Discs off the top of your head (30 sec clock):
01."Arc'tan'gent" - Earthtone9
02."The Wall" - Pink Floyd
03."Heartworm" - Whipping Boy
04."Achtung baby / Zooropa" - U2
05."dot com" - Pitchshifter

3 Contemporary Artists That Were Your Faves 10 Years Ago:
None. I don't like any contemporary music.

Music That Makes You Feel Sophisticated:
K R A F T W E R K

Fave Electronic Record You Own:
"Dare" - The Human League

Fave Hip-Hop Record You Own:
"Hypocrisy is the Greatest Luxury" or "Fear of a Black Planet". (Technically, they're old skool rap music, but Hip-Hop is shite.)

Hip-Hop Song You Know All the Lyrics Too:
"Eject" by Senser.

Random Album You Loved In High School But Are Afraid To Admit It:
"Open Up and Say Ahh" by Poison.

Album You May Have Listened To More In Highschool than Any Other Album:
The Blues Brothers soundtrack . Or "Koyaanisqatsi" by Philip Glass.

If You Could Enter A Wrestling Ring to a Song It Would Be:
The Opening Bars of "Sad But True" by metallica. Up until the drums kick back in again.

Album To Clear A Room With:
Anything by Cosmic Coincidence Control Theory or Merzbow. *SKJHHHK*

More tomorrow. Busy day, today.

Saw Whitesnake last night. Great fun. Review forthcoming. But The setlist? here it is:
main set :Burn/ Stormbringer / Fool For Your Lovin’ / Love Ain’t No Stranger / Ready N’ Willing / Is This Love? / Guitar Solos / Crying In The rain / Drum Solo / Crying In the Rain part 2 / Ain’t No Love In The Heart of The City / Give Me all Your Love / Here I Go Again /
Enc: Take Me With You / Still Of The Night
Enc: Bad Boys / Slide It In / Solider Of Fortune acapella


In other news, Becca took her first step yesterday. Only the one, but her first. I'm so proud of her.

I won't talk about politics though, its been a big day. You can read all about the foiled plot to blow up planes on the bbc.

And Is it any coincidence that I say how much I like being on my own and my isolation, and then I get no comments and everyone ignores me? Hmmmm?

OK, about politics I promise not to mention it except to point you in the direction of those infamous pictures which had been doctored by a reuters photojournalist. Now pulled by Reuters, the register politley kept some of them still to hand, as evidenced here....



*Looks at empty comments box despairingly*

Off tonight to see possibly one of the finest, greatest, hair metal bands of all time: Whitesnake.

Of course, it’s not the real Whitesnake (ie it doesn’t have Bernie Marsden in it, or Neil Murray), and isn’t the classic 1987 lineup - Which only existed in the recording studio anyway, and made a genere-defining metal behemoth of an album in 1987 – but given that the record contract states it is ‘David Coverdale, the artist known as Whitesnake’, it was always really going to be the bunch of hired hair metal lackeys that the legendary cocksman has assembled around himself.

My experience of Whitesnake live extends basically to watching the video of their Donington 1983 appearance, and listening to the radio broadcast of the 1990 appearance headlining Monsters Of Rock at Donington. Long lost to the depths of Matsui D90 hell, I really am desperately looking for a recording of this on Mp3 or CD – ideally the full set, rather than the edited down 90 minute version as broadcast that Christmas on BBC, but either. Never seen them, so I am looking forward to it. A selection of hair metal classics, a few oldies, maybe the odd deep purple number such as Burn , and – if I’m incredibly lucky* – a drum solo.

I will let Swiss Toni know what he’s missed out on, believe me. I will warn you though, that I might be bringing out my air guitar to the show and using it in public. Don’t worry though, playing air guitar in public and my personality are the best ways I know of going home single and alone after a night out. Trust me, I know.

* I love drum solos. Almost as much as trepanning.Honest.

At pains of sounding like a hermit, I don’t have that many friends. I can joke about it, but I do often say that my ideal job would involve no human contact at all; no contact with the public, just a computer. Its much less hassle that way. They don’t play mind games, get abusive, anything like that - They just have the cold logic of a ‘Fatal Exception Error’. Mind you, they don’t go to the pub, and aren’t exactly socialable. I think Ideally I’d prefer a job without any hassle, but who wouldn’t?

I really do sound antisocial sometimes, don’t I? I’m not really. I just don’t like the hassle of things sometimes. Don’t need it. No one does. I just prefer it when things run smoothly. I think we all do. That’s why I don’t trust easily, and always keep my friends close and my enemies even further away. My campaign to Isolate myself appears therefore to be relatively successful. Sometimes too successful. I only have a small group of people I’m close to, and find it awkward and difficult in social situations on occasions. I keep quiet, trying to suss out people, the dynamic, that sort of thing. You see, even though I can be socialable and talk rubbish, there’s always a line I do not cross.

I don’t let people get close. I never do. I can’t imagine letting anyone get close enough to me to be in a relationship again. Don’t want to get hurt. Even though I do miss beingin a relationship, and that closeness, I don’t want to ever get hurt again. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely, because I do. I just don’t want to get hurt again. So maybe I flirt, maybe I do, but that’s where I draw a line.

You know, I know here’s people out there who would be willing to commit to me, to use the three word death sentence. But I don’t feel that way about them. I can’t. Sometimes we just aren’t right for each other, but its not just that. Its that the barriers come up, the walls come up, and that’s that. I don’t want the pain when it all goes wrong.

But I do go out occasionally. Sometimes, strangers try to guess my age. And I get very surprised and flattered, when they take the years Off. Msot of the time I get put in the late twenties. “No way are you in your thirties” I got told last time. 28, apparently. No Wrinkles, you see. Very flattered, I was. Syntax buggered, it is. Yoda, I am not. Even If I do have a library card.

By the way, yes I am feeling better. I think Those antibiotics are working.

I am unwell. I did not go to work today. i feel pretty bad, and I feel pretty bad for for not goign in too. (Yes, Giles I know you will tell me off).

I spent most of last night not sleeping and the first thing that happened this morning was cold sweat and - how can I say this? - diarrohea. (I know I know, more than you needed to know). So I went to the doctors, and came out with some antibiotics for a bacterial infection.

I hope they work. I hate feeling rubbish: in fact, its rubbish feeling rubbish. Normal service will resume tomorrow.

Friday? I went out after work.

Saturday? bobs thing was interesting. And Busy.

having done some research on Friday night up on Harborne high street, the next night was also up in Harborne. Started in the old Lloyds Bank (aka Zizzi), the Italian restaurant just opposite the Junction. It’s not called the Junction anymore, but it was when it was the first pub I ever got drunk in at the age of sixteen, upstairs with my first girlfriend. Mind you, this was a long time ago, a very long time ago, just a couple of months into the nineties. Now They’ve irishified it, stuck in a band doing bad versions of u2 songs with fiddle, and its dreadful. Well, the music certainly is. But lets not get ahead of ourselves…..

Me and Giles got there by bus, got off just by the restaurant and walked up to the restaurant. Only we didn’t, because the restaurant was 10 feet behind us. And the next 300 metres of the high street was ahead of us, and logically it made sense to walk up because statistically speaking it was more likely to be in that 100 metres So we walked all the way up to the end of the high street, to find the restaurant. Which we didn't. We did see the police running down the street after a shoplifter, hearing people shout rude language at each other whilst the hot fuzz was engaged in swift foot pursuit of some toerag.

Having made our way to the wrong end of the street, I phoned up Bob and asked 'Where is the restaurant?'. He tells me its down by O'Neils at the junction, he says and as we are up by the Marks and Spencers at the time, so its a long walk down to the restaurant. But we get there, and sit down.

Giles at one end, me at the other by Bob, and a lot of his friends there. Some I know, some I’ve met, most I don’t. Its at this point I discover that as Chris G (the best man) isn't there, I have been proxied to be the responsible one who makes sure Bob remains not entirely sober, and not entirely reckless. Sadly, this means I now realise that should Chris G not make the wedding, I will probably have to do a best mans speech at the last minute. Honestly, I’m not that worried. But looking after Bob with a crowd of a dozen of his friends on his stag night means that I have to be responsible.Full Stop.

This does not however, mean that I am automatically sensible. Restrained, maybe, but sensible? Not really. I was seriously outvoted a lot of the time regarding that. One sensible bloke, a groom to be and eight others intent on prankstering? Hmmmm.

So what we do next is an Italian meal. Two hours later, after a large bill for some £250 for the ten of us, some 18 bottles of lager, a rather disappointing Risotto di Pollo which seemed to consist of unadvertised mushroom base, and extra helpings of Chocolate ice cream from flirting waitresses, we leave. Over the road to O’Neils. This involves bad Irish fiddle music, purple food dye, and rubber gloves.

From there, we then proceed up the high street. It is at this point I go to the cash machine. Taking advantage of this, the absence of Bobs guardian, someone – and I miss most of this – hoists Bob up, and then they start to hold him onto the lamppost. Bob starts to climb up the lamp post, the one with ‘Police station’ on it, but he is soon being wrapped round with parcel tape, and sellotape. Then its gaffer tape. Then it’s a ratchet strap. So This guy is pretty securely tied to the lamppost. And then…out comes the food dye. And down come the trousers. And I’m outnumbered, the situation beyond my control. All I can do is monitor it. Which I do. With a golf ball and the back of Bobs jeans.

*AHEM* sorry bob.

With two or three of us constantly outside the pub monitoring the situation – and taxi drivers passing by and taking photos of the captive victim – he’s never in any danger at all. It lasts about seven minutes, and then , he’s free. And its off to the next pub we go….Where this time they planned on using the ratchet strap to pin Bob to the outside table. Which sadly for them, did not occur – because I flagged down a taxia nd me, Giles and Bob made it to Edwards with seconds to spare, before the 12:30 cut off. And then we danced…. Well, you can call it dancing.

I call it air guitar. Badly out of control spasmodic jerking as my body no longer responds in the way it did when I was 20, to songs I no longer know, But sound vaguely familiarish – like New Order, Duran Duran, Marilyn manson, and well… the gumby metal anthem of Metallica’s ‘Seek and Destroy’, and iron maidens ‘Aces High’. Maiden cleared the floor, Metallica filled it. One of these two has a bigger catchet of audience, obviously.

And then, before we were sweating too much from wearing too much and being too fat, the lights went on, the taxis were acquired, and we went home alone. And Bobs stag night was over. But at least it was good.

Afterwards, me and giles had pizza and put the world to rights. Oh, and not to mention unday, where we went over to Bob and Rachs and had a nice chicken stirfry.

Oh, and in other news, I’m off to see whitesnake on wendesday. I suspect they will be brilliant, AND rubbish, at the same time, in the way that only hair metal can be.