The Stranger Than Fiction meme....

Do you like asparagus?
Absolutely not. Eating stuff that just grows in the ground, like dirt or mould? Are you insane?

Do you have a middle name?
Yes, but I wouldn't want to share it with me. I'm saving it for my stage name.

Do cats frustrate you as pets or do you admire their independence?
Yes, definitely they frustrate me. Mind you, I don't keep pets, which is a deliberate decision. I'm not really a catty or doggy person. Hell, I'm not even a people person, having said that. I do like my own company, but sometimes I prefer other peoples too.

Did you ever break a guys nose?
Never knowingly. So try to sort out problems with violence means that trying to sort them out with words has failed, and you've progressed to a violent imposition of your will over others. As General Von Klauswichtz once said "War is the continuation of politics by other means" (and also conversely) ; by which I mean, quite simply - violence does no one any good.

Would you say you won more fight than you've lost?
If you've ever been in a fight, you've already lost. And the war is either won or lost before the battle begins - see Sun Tzu's 'Art of War' - which means if you ever stand your ground, choose your battles very carefully. Last fight I was in though, was probably 1994 - three weeks before my finals, I ended up picking myself up from the floor with a fractured jawbone. Not good.

Was there a time when you were mystified by the workings of your penis?
Not since I was about 10. It doesn't mystify me, because I know how It works - but sometimes,

Do you look like your mother or your father?
Mother, I think. but she never had a silly beard, unlike me.

Did you date an older woman that you'd consider an older woman and what did she teach you?
Yes, I did once, not for very long. What did she teach me? She taught me that dating an older woman wasn't a great idea, because much as i liked her, we lived in different worlds.

Whats your first image of the female body?
What now? Or ever? I always have a fond memory of freeze framing the end of "The Spy Who Loved Me" to see some pointies, though.

Does the respect factor drop when a woman has breast implants?
I can't respect anyone who has ever, ever had cosmetic surgery, except if you've been horribly disfigured and its reconstructive as the result of say, a car crash. But to have a boob job, or any plastic surgery, simply because you don't ft you fit into some bullshit idea that magazines sell to you as a fantasy lifestyle - disgusts me. And why? You are what you are, and don't ever pretend otherwise. To change who you are for just being liked.... thats shallow beyond belief. You are what you are.

Do you like Roller Coasters?
Not really. They.....give me headaches and they get boring by about the hundrendth time you go whizzing around. The thing is, Rollercoasters don't scare me simply because I have to take off my glasses off. Now, most of the power - the enjoyment - the fear, if you like - of rollercoasters comes from the fear, the anticipation of what is about to happen. now if you can't see a damn thing, you can't be scared because you have no depth perception, and cannot judge accurately whether you are in danger. Therefore, my naturally crap eyes and blurry blindness mean that I alone defeat Rollercoasters, rob them of their magic scary powers! Hurrah!

What do you imagine happens to someone after the body dies?
Well, they put you in a big wooden box, and then its time for what should be more accurately referred to as 'The Burning'. Except its not. And its either that, or they put the body and said body and wooden box into the ground and wait for the maggots, decomposition and lots of unpleasant stuff. on the other hand, as Bob Dylan once said, Death is Not the end.....

Do you believe that you are a spirit with a body or just a brain?
Brain. What is brain? The body is but a shell, treat it as such. That is to warn valhalla - beware, a warrior is coming.

Did the female anatomy every mystify and scare you?
No, never.

Have you ever been caught in a natural disaster?
Uh, yes. I once enjoyed an earthquake - well, enjoy was the wrong word. Run outside the house, have a look around, and then stick on the BBC to see what the hell is going on.

Did you ever own Birkenstocks?
What the fuck are they?

Did you ever fall in love with an animal in a way where you wish you could talk like human friends?
Occasionally, I'd like to have a nice chat with Elvis, and buy him a drink so I could apologise for being quite silly.

Do you feel we are all potentially Christlike?
Potnetially, yes. But I don't think Christ himself was all that. He was just a man with a mans courage, not this mythical super entity you read about in books.

Do you have hope for humanity?
Not really. Most humans are essentially selfish, amoral, creatures in a desperate cry for survival whilst other stupid animals dressed in suits slap themselves on the back for being kings of the world. All we are is monkeys in suits, pretending to be civilised. The day we stop bombing the hell out of smaller countries, and the day that no one goes to bed hungry whilst 1000 dollar a plate dinners take place with pompous politicans - thats when I have hope.

If not, how can you keep going in the face of that hopelessness?
Because the future is an unwritten book, and there is hope yet. Because most people you meet are OK, and generally good people. But occasionally you meet someone who truly is beyond hope. And that is saddening.